


Do You Think About Me?

by Probs_not_perfect



Category: 9lives (Band), Hollywood Undead (Band), Jeffree Star (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-19
Updated: 2018-09-19
Packaged: 2019-07-14 12:49:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16040807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Probs_not_perfect/pseuds/Probs_not_perfect
Summary: After stumbling across an old friend on YouTube, Deuce reflects on their past and the feelings long forgotten.





	Do You Think About Me?

**Author's Note:**

> First time ever writing for a fandom based on real people. That being said, this is a complete work of fiction and in no way reflects on the real individuals depicted (I only wish) Hope it's not terrible :)

Checking social media wasn’t something Aron did very much. Although it wasn’t too often anymore, he did occasionally post or respond to fans, but that was pretty much the extent of his online interaction. Recently, however, he had taken to surfing YouTube in his spare time. It was so easy to lose yourself in a string of videos. Sometimes the video he would end with would have absolutely nothing to do with the one he started on. The platform was probably designed with this in mind. It sucked you in, learning about your interests and giving you suggestions accordingly.

He was in the midst of one of these endeavors when he glanced at the clock and realized it had already been almost an hour. This little hobby of his wasn’t very productive, and it was easy to lose track of time while doing so. He decided to quit after his current video was finished. He didn’t have any plans for the day, but he figured he could find something to work on. Hitting the studio was always at the back of his mind. Whether he was making music for himself or making a track for someone else, it brought him that special burst of energy one gets after creating something they can be proud of. He was certain that was what he’d been put on this earth to do.

The video ended and despite the clock continuing to rush ahead, he was a little reluctant to get up. He switched over to the trending page. _Maybe just one more._ He scrolled through the videos, none of them peaking his interest. It was rare he ever found something he liked here, and he felt that YouTube’s primary audience may have been people a bit younger than him. He was about to admit defeat and tear himself away from the screen when he spotted a familiar face.

_Jeffree Star._

On some level he knew that his old friend had a following here, but he’d never thought to seek it out for himself. Curiosity got the best of him and he soon found himself watching the lengthy video. Seeing Jeffree like this was surreal in some ways. He still talked the same and acted only a bit different. His appearance had always been atypical and androgynous, but he looked so much more defined and put together now. Aron smiled as he watched the now platinum blonde man rave about some makeup product, talking with his hands and being as expressive as ever. Despite the similarities, it was clear that this wasn’t completely the Jeffree he had once known.

Before he knew it, the video had ended and most of the suggestions were of other makeup videos. He closed the browser and left his computer. Now he’s totaled an hour and a half of doing _nothing._ Not an exactly ideal way to start the day. Aron decided he’d head down to his studio and work on some tracks that he’d been meaning to finish for a while. He grabbed a snack from the kitchen and was out the door, winking at himself in the mirror on the way.

\-------

It turns out that just because you open everything you need to work on something and have it all set up in front of you does not guarantee that your brain will feel inclined to actually do anything. He sat staring at the unfinished track for what must have been a good ten minutes before he gave up and sat back in his chair. He turned to glance at the mic behind him. Almost all of his music had been recorded with this setup. This room had some serious memories.

His thoughts were brought back to this morning and his final video. He smiled. Jeffree had been here numerous times. He’d come to record or sometimes just to hang. A splash of pink on an otherwise dark and rough looking backdrop. Or an orange one. His hair color changed from time to time. Deuce liked the pink the best. It matched Jeffree’s personality and it was a color you didn’t see too often on the scene back then, especially on a guy. He always stood out no matter where he was. Unfortunately, it wasn’t usually in a good way. Aron noticed that the world had definitely changed, but back then there were few who were accepting of someone like Jeffree. Maybe that’s why he’d been so drawn to him.

He remembered the first time they’d gotten together for something creative. Jeffree had promoted the group on myspace when they were just starting out, and on that site, that was the equivalent of being promoted by someone like Britney Spears or Beyoncé. Aron embarrassingly recalled being really excited to meet Jeffree for their first collaboration. He’d still been with HU at the time, way before things went sour. A lot of their stuff before Swan Songs was pretty underground, and Turn Off the Lights was no exception. The other guys had sort of seen Jeffree’s addition to the track as a joke. If he hadn’t hit it off with the “shemale” as they’d so lovingly referred to him, Jeffree’s verse probably wouldn’t have made it at all.

They’d ragged on him a bit after the fact too. He couldn’t blame them, he supposed. They were young, and it was sort of a rite of passage to make fun of people like that. He wasn’t sure if he’d call it homophobic; Jeffree was a lot more _out there_ than your typical gay guy from down the street. Deuce had been so amused by all of Jeffree’s jokes and mannerisms. The others had laughed too, but it was a different kind of laughter. You’d only notice it if you paid close attention, but Jeffree was clearly used to it. That was something he admired. Jeffree didn’t give a fuck what anyone thought about him or the way he looked. Judging by the video from earlier, that hadn’t changed.

They’d maintained contact over the phone and the net afterwards. He hid this from the rest of the guys, especially when they started gaining more popularity. Swan Songs was their big break, and there was no room for any pink haired androgynous lollipop stars in their music. He felt a little guilty about keeping their friendship a secret. He wasn’t exactly _ashamed_ , but he definitely didn’t feel like dealing with teasing from his bandmates and his other friends. If it was someone else in his situation, he’d probably have teased them too. That’s just the way it was.

Aron closed out of the unfinished track and pulled up a blast from the past. _Break Them Wallz_ had been his first collab with Jeffree after his split from the group. It made him feel like a rebel, hanging out with someone that society collectively deemed as _wrong._ It helped him feel free after the nasty split from his former bandmates. He felt like he didn’t have to hide their friendship anymore. If Jeffree noticed the timing, he didn’t comment on it. He didn’t know how to feel about that, since it was likely because he wasn’t the first person to cover up any connection to him.

In addition to Truth and Jimmy, having Jeffree around helped him feel like he wasn’t alone after he lost what was essentially his main group of friends. Vardan seemed indifferent towards Jeffree’s outlandish look and took no issue into featuring on songs alongside him. Some of his fans were a lot less receptive. He ignored it for the most part. He thought Jeffree did too. It took him a long time to realize that was likely why Jeffree never wanted to perform any of those songs live with him or go on tour. He’d tried to set it up so many times, and without fail his genderbending friend always had something else going on. Deuce wondered if Jeffree was afraid of getting booed or afraid he wouldn’t able to rap his verses, or both. No matter what, he would have stood by him. He never knew how to express that.

The song ended and he switched to what was probably their most infamous collab: _Let’s Get It Crackin’_. His label had made such a fuss about both of their lyrics. He expected it; whenever he and Jeffree got together, they always came up with something perfectly obscene. Initially, he’d intended for the song to be a solo track. He’d brought Jeffree over to hear the song while it was still in the works and he’d loved it. He hardly had to ask if he could feature, Deuce could never turn him down. They sat there for hours just rattling off the grimiest lyrics they could think of, bursting into fits of laughter until their eyes dripped and their sides hurt. They’d done the same thing with _Freaky Now_ , and he’d laughed even harder when Jeffree managed to gross out Truth with his perverse humor.

After the music and his trip down memory lane had ended, he decided he wasn’t going to get anywhere with his work and logged onto YouTube again. He usually refrained from using this computer for anything but work. Whatever, maybe he’d get inspired by something. He searched Jeffree’s name and found his channel immediately. Before clicking, however, he found several videos with high view counts entitled “The Truth About Jeffree Star” or something similar. Next thing he knew, he was on a trip through his old friend’s life with a glamorous house, a squad of little dogs, and more designer bags than he’d ever seen in his life.

The excess and wealth made Aron chuckle. This was certainly the lifestyle Jeffree had always wanted. He couldn’t deny he was a bit envious of his success, but he could never picture himself living like that. Music and Hollywood aside, he was a pretty simple guy. As the little documentary went on, Jeffree did get into his past music career. Deuce kept waiting for a little mention or a snippet of one of their songs to play, but it never came. It stung a little, and he felt stupid that it did. He definitely wasn’t the only one Jeffree had collaborated with musically, and most of them weren’t mentioned either. It made sense in a way. It felt like a lifetime ago and many of their peers at the time weren’t doing music anymore either.

Towards the end of the video series, Jeffree revealed a secret about himself, one that hid under his sleeves. Deuce cringed at the sight of the scars. Tattoos could only hide so much, and some things never faded. He’d seen them once, years ago. It was one of the few times he’d really tried to get past all of Jeffree’s outer layers.

They’d been out in LA living it up, celebrating the success of one of Jeffree’s singles or EP’s. He couldn’t remember the specifics, but he knew it had just been the two of them. It had been a while since he’d seen him and he wanted to take him out for a night on the town. It was late, and they were back at the studio where Jeffree had left some of his stuff. Admittedly, Aron was a little too drunk to make a coherent conversation, especially about subjects that personal. Jeffree was sober; he couldn’t recall a time he’d seen his friend let himself get drunk. It would have made it easier to get past his exterior if he did. Maybe that’s why he didn’t.

Deuce had noticed the scars before, but never said anything. He remembered being slumped over in his chair, watching Jeffree apply a fresh coat of lip stick. He didn’t want his friend to catch him staring, so his gaze drifted away from his face, but stopped on his arm.

“Where’d those scars come from?”

It was as if he’d just uttered a curse that would end the world within days. Jeffree’s whole body jolted and his eyes got angry. His drawn on pink eyebrows responded accordingly, seeming to arch even further. He stuffed his mirror and lipstick back into his bag and made for the door. Aron had panicked. He knew his friend had a tendency to be dramatic, but he was too drunk to just let him go.

“You’re not like, _suicidal_ , are you?”

The androgynous internet star stopped dead in his tracks. He didn’t turn around, and even with his hazy vision Aron could see his fists were clenched. His voice was dry and sharp.

“Who fucking cares. If I killed myself there would be hundreds of people celebrating in the streets. They’re always asking for it online. Even to my face. They would probably make it a national holiday.”

It sounded like a joke, but there was no humor in his tone. Despite his exaggerations, Deuce knew there was at least some truth to that. He’d often witness the hate first hand whenever he read comments on their collabs. He felt slight guilt that his own fans probably contributed a significant amount. He didn’t know if it was these thoughts or the alcohol that caused him to make his next admission.

“I would care.”

Jeffree scoffed. He still wasn’t looking at him, but he watched a hand wipe at his face. He’d _really_ caught a sore spot here

“It’s true. I care about you. A lot. Even if you are a tranny.” In retrospect, he probably should have left that little playful jab out. His friend had left after that and they never talked about that night again.

The video was over and Aron was feeling pretty empty inside. Not only had he wasted most of his day, but he was stuck thinking about a friendship long forgotten. He hadn’t spoken to Jeffree in over four years. He’d wanted to do more collabs, but Jeffree had left the music business and turned to makeup. He wondered if his friend thought he wouldn’t have liked him because of that. Even from the few videos he’d seen, he could tell that he was much more comfortable in his own skin. He’d always portrayed himself that way, but he seemed to hold a lot less anger now. He wondered if Jeffree ever still thought about him.

He closed the browser and sighed. This sure wasn’t the first time _he_ had thought about their past. There were always moments he wished could have gone differently, more things he could have said. He wished he could have been braver and not so concerned with how other people saw him. Maybe he and Jeffree would still be friends today.

Deuce shut his eyes, drifting back to one of his favorite memories. There was music and lights and warm air on his skin. Laughter filled his stomach and stars were in his eyes. Someone’s hand was in his own. The lights and music were all around them, but nothing illuminated the little cranny in which they hid. It was the first time their lips touched. The first time he took a fistful of pink hair. The first time the lollipop swirl nails left marks on his skin. The memory was bittersweet. The secret had stayed a secret, and although it was a fun secret for him, he knew deep down that he was probably one of many to the other.

He wished he could have told Jeffree how much he meant to him.

He wondered if he was the only one who still cared.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated :) (oh and the title comes from the song of the same name)


End file.
